I think I’ve done it. I may have retreated so far within myself I’ve turned inside out and am unravelling.
Plateaued has probably been my status these last few months. I’ve been noncommittally excercising. Trying to rebuild my muscles waiting for muscle memory to reinforce the motion my nerves are fighting against.
I’ll say it’s a struggle.
My license expiring has been surreal. I let it go as it had been months since I’d driven. Before the accident I was only driving to work. Without work I haven’t been driving at all.
Driving was getting to be too much. Knowing I was about to drive was becoming enough to have me anxious.
I felt like I was playing Russian roulette with a car. The panic attacks I was having I could no longer catch my breath while driving. I was having to pull over which had worked out until this point. A close call or two. I’m sure I left some people cussing at me.
So when earlier this year I received the form to renew I decided I couldn’t do it. I would have to find alternatives. Which I could probably manage if we still lived in the city.
I got my bicycle lubed up, and although I have some issues feeling the pedals, I can for the most part just push down hard enough to keep my feet on board.
So that’s expanded my search range slightly. Cardio might keep getting it wider.
Going back to what I was doing isn’t really an option but I could swing a desk job. Haven’t quite worked anything out yet though.
So I’m doing my best house husband. Trying to help the kids and keep things up to snuff, emphasis on try. Never been my wheelhouse, but trying to make the most of it.
I spend too much time alone though. Coming from me that’s saying a lot. Yesterday talked to the bike store lady for way too long. Gotta keep it together.
Signed H.D. from the bottom of the wall.